Glitter

So here it is. I am about to embark on what I think might be my 5th viewing of one my least favourite films ever made. You may be wondering why I've seen it so many times, and the answer is simple. It's so bad, I have to share it. I think Matthew has also been present at all but this viewing. We are sick, sick people. The first time I heard it mentioned was in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in which Faith discusses prison films with Spike. Matthew heard of it's dreadfulness from another source, and it was soon decided that it simply had to be seen. Like I said, sick, sick people.
Glitter stars Mariah Carey as "Billie Frank" a young singer (the synopsis says talented, but there are moments when this is disputable) who rises to fame with the help of the redeeming feature of this film, a very pretty DJ played by very pretty man, Max Beesley. Reading the various summaries of this film, you'd be forgiven for mistaking this film as a story about Billie's rise to fame. I'm not sure what it's about, but that isn't it. Her rise to fame happens in no time and rather suddenly.
I keep typing, but I'm just putting off pressing play. Ok, here goes nothing, the Jaffa Cakes will save me. Even the menu hurts, lots of freeze frames of Carey displaying her wonderful array of emotional impressions (there are three, if you're curious) and some toe curlingly nasal singing over a simple dance beat. I know I'm biased against this from the start, but that's only because I've seen it before. But this time, it's in widescreen. Ooo, ahh!
Oh, the tagline! Yes, that should bring you round to my side a bit. "In music she found her dream, her love, herself." Makes you wince, doesn't it?
Up over the opening credits, comes the quite frankly beautiful vocal tones of Billie Frank's mother, singing in a dingy night club. This woman is fantastically talented, elegant and a wonderful actress. Sadly, the film is not about her, and she doesn't last long. I'll make the most of it. I also love the light filters in this scene, dusty and atmospheric, it all seems so promising.
Oh here she is, the young Billie. In her youth she is inexplicably much whiter and blonder than either her mother or her future self, or indeed the bar full of black men. But we overlook this, she's adorable.
Now we see her father. A powerful moment between the two actors playing the parents, and shortly after a beautiful shot of Billie's mother asleep with a still smoking cigarette resting in her fingers, are both severely dented by several pained expressions from the child. But it's best to assume this is just the foibles of child acting. That way you still have hope, and you'll need it.
Another smoking and sleeping scene. I love these, so beautifully done. Unfortunately, this one causes a fire. Billie's going to have to leave her mother.
Oh the cat! I forgot about the cat. This cat lives throughout this film, despite how much of Billie's life it portays.
Nearly ten minutes in, nothing much has happened yet that lends to the plot.
Ad now we're in a club, she's considerably older, and tainting Blondie's Heart of Glas by dancing to it in a leopard skin dress. She's dancing and singing with two friends, they form a group. They're then offered a contract doing backing vocals and dancing for some big artist, the friends are keen, Billie shows her artistic integrity by saying they're too busy and doing their own thing. Oh Billie, if only you knew. All three of them provide horrible ethnic stereotypes, it makes you cringe. But not as much as the singing that's coming up next. Turns out, her two friends are completely vocally talentless. Oh god, the pain. Thus follow some horrible miming, but the point is made that Billie is goddamn awesome at this singing lark after all. Of course.
Another club. This time, with very pretty DJ in it. Not looking so pretty, as he's screaming and gyrating, but still. And here's "Silk", the singer they were doing the back up for. Miming, with Billie's vocals playing.
Pretty DJ man: "I had no idea you could blow like that"
Silk: "I had know idea you were so interested in how good I could blow"
Oh no, please don't. It's ok, it's only a PG.
"You don't need them, they're just back up". Yes, Silk, just blocked out the girls with her feather boa. Billie storms off, singing, pretty DJ man realises! He confronts Billie and starts dropping bits of jargon on her, to show how little she knows about the music industry ("Whaddya mean, ghosting?" etc) So this is where it all starts, pretty DJ man can give her her break, via a freestyle mic session in the club, with some cringeworthy rhymes from other club members. Billie starts to sing, and by the look on his face, pretty DJ man starts to orgasm. Both have stopped, phew.
The one on one speech outside the club really shows up Carey's acting skills. They're really very bad. "I know you're a fly DJ" is the line that snapped me on the first viewing.
Pretty DJ man: "How can I reach you?"
Billie: "You're lucky 7 right, you'll figure it out"
*facepalm*
Shortly after, glitter fills the screens. Or maybe that was just my eyes, shielding me from the trouserings in the next scene, preemptively.
He's just bought her off her old label so now they're in the studio. The only noteable thing about this scene is the fact he is wearing very tight leather pants.
Now for a montage of her singing the same song in different clubs, getting gradually more glamourous each time. This is the "rise to fame" part of the film, and we're only 25 minutes in. It should be nearly over by rights.
She's laughing! I hate it when she laughs! Chest clutching and hypersonic noises.
Of course, the man from the big label is suddenly twice as interested when he sees her face. She really isn't that good looking, is she?
Label rep: "This is just the beginning"
Thanks for reminding me.
Back in the apartment with the friends, more ethnic stereotypes.
Oh, pretty DJ man has brought her a rose. Which she repeatedly sniffs throughought the next scene. Unfortunately, she stops long enough for a quizzing about the rose and "is this a date?" conversation and some achingly bad jokes. "This is a french delicacy? Someone went all the way to France for this?" *all laugh*. Oh dear. Needless to say, he takes her home.
Oh hear it is! My favourite moment in the film! If the France joke was bad, I really don't know what word works for this one.
Billie: (picking up a photo) Is this you?
Pretty DJ man: Yeah
Billie: So cute. What happened?
*more pained false laughter*
Pretty DJ man: You're funny.
Lies.
He's whapped out his marimba. This is in fact a large xylophone like instrument. This causes her to make the decision to eat his face. Here comes the sex. And there was the sex. And there his her hair and makeup, as good as ever. Impressive.
Studio scene, Silver paint on her left shoulder/collarbone. This paint reappears and moves throughout.
Her song on the radio, he turns it up, dances with a homeless man. They spin in happy slow motion. Glitter falls. We all love the glitter.
Video shoot. "I wanna see more of her breasts." Here come the artistic differences with the director. He wants to lose her friends. See, fame is not so sweet afterall. I actually really like the director. He talks nonsense and makes me laugh, mostly about fish and fire. He's weird, I like weird, everyone else in this film is so painfully celebrity version of 'normal'. Four hot men in speedos pulling her apart and groping her is the final straw for pretty DJ man. And away we go!
To make up for the video, the friends go shopping. Or they may have just run through a gold leaf plant, they seem to be wearing the tightest metallic outfits I've ever seen.
The paint's back. Upper right arm this time.
Here comes the guy pretty DJ man never paid. "Things could always get worse." Take that as a threat.
Awh, she bought him an electric keyboard. And noone's ever bought him anything before. Come on, everbody, awh. I SAID AWH. It might drown out this coming speech in which he asks her to move in.
This bit's quite sweet. She tells him about her mum in a recurring dream. Her mum sees her performing and comes to find her. It's cheesy, but in light of the rest of the film, quite good.
Billie writes a song now, to describe this feeling. Apart from the first line, the lyrics are ok ("reflections of your love begin to whither"). Still as nasal as ever, but I'm growing immune. I've had nearly an hour of it by now.
I'm sure what's going on in this scene is fascinating, but I'm more interested in the bizarre old computer behind Billie's head. I think they're talking about finding her mother, but look at that machine! So sleek but chunky, nice.
Anyway.
Oh! Pretty DJ man just broke the news that this is in fact set in the 1980s. Huh. I didn't notice this.
The label want her to work with other producers, pretty DJ man is sad. So he has a bit of a jam session with his band. Except he seems to be better at playing their instruments than any of them are. And they're playing jazz, which is a shame.
Beautiful talented pianist producer man! Billie just spotted him playing, he's a big star, and he wants to work with her. Win?
Now they're at the music awards. The reporters completely ignore the Stevie Wonder lookalike and head straight for Billie, and a partially shirtless pretty DJ man. But poor pretty DJ man keeps being pushed aside. Everyone just LOVES Billie.
Silver paint again, right shoulder.
They're fighting, pretty DJ man is jealous of beautiful talented pianist producer man, yet she still ditched her friends to be with him.
Now for the scene we've all been waiting for. Pretty DJ man is topless again, Billie's crying, and one of the best lines of the film is winging its way towards us. So they're fighting, upset, he's trying to apologise, she's just asked what's happening to him, you expect a biting, angry remark, right?
Well, the best she's got is "none of this would've happened if you didn't believe in me!" I have no words.
Billie's gone for a stroll, and thinks a mad woman singing on the street is her mum. It isn't. Or I assume it isn't, from the way Carey just looked at the floor and sighed.
Oo big mean man's here to claim his money, by threatening Billie while pretty DJ man is out. "Now I don't wanna hurt you," Oh but I do, can I do it? I'm offering, I can save you some trouble. Oh, threatening man is called Timothy. That makes him much less scary.
FIIIIGHT! That was awesome, but breif. Timothy and pretty DJ man, against a van. Until the cops showed up. Pretty DJ man is arrested and Billie bails him out, to crowds of press and photographers. "Timothy Walker was badly beaten and had to be hospitalised." How?! He hardly had chance to hit him before the police came running around the corner!
Argument. Silver paint, left collarbone. Oo, she slapped him. And the cat's back too. He seems to only show up when she's leaving a home for good. That's goodbye then, pretty DJ man. It does lead to a good snippet where he's playing piano and smoking, which is aesthetically rather pleasing.
She's in the studio now, teaming up with beautiful talented pianist producer man. Oh my he's beautiful. Commence "singing with eyes closed" scene. Ouch.
This next scene is quite nice, and potentially cute, had my soul not been drained by the rest of the film so far. Pretty DJ man writes the piano part for a song in his apartment, while at the same time in her flat, Billie writes the lyrics.
Rehearsals for the big Madison Square Gardens gig she always wanted. The drum beat's too loud, she throws a dicky fit, refuses to "do this shit" and leaves. Oh yes, I forgot, this film is a PG. That's atleast the second moment of cursing so far. Anyway, she goes back to Dice's (pretty DJ man's) apartment, and plays the piano part that he's written out, realising it matches she decided to put lipstick on the sheets. 'Cause that's romance, naturally. Dice returns, sees it, smiles, then looks around. I think he's supposed to be planning something, but to me he always looks like he's wondering how the hell she got in and wondering whether he should change the locks. People sneaking into his apartment is becoming almost a regular feature now.
Before this next scene, remember that the tagline said "she found love", yes? Well, Dice goes out to the street, only to be confronted by Timothy. She found love, but she also got her love killed. The one good thing about this film is now shot through the chest at point blank range. Arse.
Billie sees news footage of his death while waiting backstage at he big show. This lends new weight to her performance, of course. So she sings their song. Which actually isn't that good. I was actually starting to settle into it. The fight and the guns and the emotional speech, all this had numbed my brain, but unfortunately the singing reminded me why I hate this film so much. Please, Mariah, don't try to act. It was going so well, but she reappeared, and it all went pearshaped. The singing I can just about muster, but the acting I can't. The singing AND the acting, at the same time. It's too much to handle.
Pretty DJ man left her a letter. Social services found her mother. One door closes, another door opens, is the motto here, I think. Something like that, anyway. Despite many logistical flaws, Billie manages to go straight from he show to her mother's house, complete with sparkly dress, and another oddly touching moment occurrs. This is what happens when someone who can, acts. Whoever plays her mother (IMDb doesn't like me this evening) is really quite good.
And now, but for one grainy live video, it's over. I can't believe I actually started to like some of the characters. I've seen this too many times now, it's official. This may also be the longest 'blog' I've ever written. But it's over. Oh thank goodness it's over. Now, to lay back with Frank Turner's new album. Now that is genuinely brilliant music.

Chance

I didn't think I'd be reviewing a good film so soon into starting this blog. But it just so happened that I finally got my hands on a copy of Chance, written and directed by Amber Benson. I've been angling to see this for so long, admittedly for all the wrong reasons. I didn't really know what it was about, a few vague ideas but my main reason for interest was the fact that Benson was behind it, and the cast. If you know me at all, you know I'm reall quite partial to most things in the Whedonverse. So the thought of Benson, James Marsters, Andy Hallett and Jeff Ricketts certainly appealed. At best, I was expecting to fulfill a little fangirling urge in me.

But it was so much better than that. It's very easy to write about things when they're aweful, to calculate why they're so bad, but it's much harder to explain why you love something. And I really did love this film. It was funny, dark, sharp, clever, simply but attractively made. Everyone was brilliant, and everyone was strangely beautiful, my favourite kind. The way the 'death' is dealt with blew me away. These are all obvious to even the most casual observer, I'm sure. If you really need convincing, think James Marsters in drag, and that should be reason enough. The songs! How could I forget the songs. I think the musician who popped up every now and then is Grant Langston, and his songs are witty and fitting, if at first suprising.

But I think this is what I liked most about it. I read a lot of biographies and autobiographies, partly out of interest or admiration for whomever it may be about, and also partly because I love those breif moments when you suddenly relate. Alan Bennett described it as "as if a hand had reached out and taken yours" and it's can be a brilliant moment, for all sorts of reasons. I think everyone has had that moment at least once, and I think the majority of people would experience that in this film. The whole film has the air of the best kind of biography, and in the same way as I would pause in my reading to make a note of something or to fold a page corner, there were numerous occassions during Chance where I was compelled to scribble down a quite and make a note of its place. It doesn't matter which elements I related to, because other people will find other moments, but the more I think about it the more I can connect the characters to people and situations in my life and in the lives of the people around me. As far as I'm concerned that is the mark of a genuinely good piece of writing, whether it's a book, a film, whatever.

If you haven't seen it already, you're missing out. I'm pretty certain it's still possible to buy the dvd here, and there's a few snippets on youtube.

I'll be reviewing another of the bad films later tonight, so I think I shall once more seek solace in a favourite film afterwards, and this time, that film will be Chance. I'm coming over all warm and fuzzy.

Final thought: RIP Andy Hallett 1975 - 2009

The Dark Side of the Sun

It's been a few weeks since I watched this, so you'll have to excuse any stumblings and fumblings. But I'm pretty sure it engraved itself fairly firmly on my memory. It is without doubt one of the worst so far, so why not start with it?

This is the story of Rick (Brad Pitt, not looking anything like he does on the cover, which seems to have been photographed years later) a young man battling an incurable skin disease. Apparently, if he's exposed to sunlight, his skin will big to crack and boil.

So, to avoid this, he lives his life in what at first appears to be some kind of gimp outfit, but turns out to be his defence system. This outfit is a full body leather suit, including complete facemask. I'm still not entirely sure how he breathes or sees, but that's a minor attrocity in the face of the rest of the film. One night, at a party, I say a party, seems to be a cheery aftermath to some unusual ritual which involved burning a giant effegy of someone unspecified, he meets a girl, a girl who happens to be tied up in an unhappy relationship. This allows for two sadly predictable scenes, one in which he is beaten to a bloody pulp to show how vulnerable he is after he's ditched the leather, and one in which his father shows up and floors the guy who decked him in the first place, showing both his father's turmoil and powerful love. These are two of the better scenes, quite frankly.

While at the party, Rick can pass in his leather because everyone's in fancy dress, but the girl tries to get him to take it off. Rick flees, but the following day decides he's not really been living, and so gets rid of the leather and goes in search of his girl, skin be damned. Unfortunately, she doesn't really catch on, and believes that Rick is actually a friend of the leather chappy, and so spends most of their time together whimpering about him instead. On hindsight, he could've worked this out better.

Early in the film, there are some truly shocking camera 'fails'. What was quite an important scene in setting up the father/son relationship, was shot from miles away, so that for the first 20 seconds you can hardly here what's going on, until presumably the sound guy caught on and utched himself in. Even then, what you're watching is a dark blot occupying half the screen, with occassional flashes of skin and leather to signify life. There are also several occassions where the camera is simply behind the times, staying behind on meaningless scenery, only then to look as if it's suddenly woken up and go hairing off after the rest of the scene.

I'm still not quite sure where this is set. If anyone could enlighten me, that'd be lovely. It just seems to be some dusty non-english speaking country. It's almost impossible to tell where. But every now and then the locals gather and cackle/sing/play jangly music, then disappear as quickly as they arrived.

Another scene that baffled me was the birthday party. Rick's mother is in some way seriously disabled, in that she can't really communicate, even less move. At first I was genuinely moved by the scene, she made her way to the edge of the stairs, peering down, wanting to be part of the festivities. But she stayed there. For so long. Far longer than was emotionally acceptable. I started to think they were building up to something. After several minutes, I genuinely thought she was about to throw herself off the landing. But nope, eventually the scene cut and the movie resumed, mother once more cast into the backdrop.

There's another woman in the film, some kind of maid, who seems to crop up every now and then to shout or look meaningful and strict. She might be my favourite bit, she atleast provided some relief from the sad glances and giggly "oh, maybe I should take my shirt off again" actions of Pitt. Oh yes, I should've mentioned. Once he's got rid of the leather, Brad is all too keen to strip down and show off his pasty body.

This goes on for a long time. The flexing of the muscles, the light family turmoil, the confusing imagined love triangle. After a while you start to wonder if he's ever going to die. Then, all of a sudden, a scar appears. Then, in next to no time, he's completely covered in red blotchy makeup and glue, looking quite horrible. There's another genuinely moving scene when he visits his mother for the last time, her blank lack of reaction actually slightly heart wrenching.

Suddenly, the girl (I think she was called Frances) realises, and comes rushing to the house, just in time to see him ride off into the sunset on his motorbike, presumably to die, but that's never really clarified. One final shot of a devastated girl, followed by a quite picturesque one of Pitt riding into the horizon, and I feel the flooding relief that at last, it's over.

But one final thought. The tagline for this film was "They needed a miracle for their love to survive." Now, I'm pretty sure it's not just me who, on reading this, assumes that a miracle will occur and their love will survive. That's generally how it goes. But no, their was no miracle, and their love died utterly and completely. Frankly, I'm disappointed.

Welcome!

I've been meaning to do this for a while. In fact, years. For some considerable time, me and my best friend, Matthew, have been in the habit of watching terrible films, after one particularly painful night spent sitting through Kenny (a tedious non-comedy about the life of an australian portaloo attendent). Since then we've watched many. I've always said I'll review them, but never got round to it. After seeing Dev Hynes' blog in which he is taking on the horrific task of watching and reviewing IMDB's bottom 100 films, I decided now was finally time.
It won't all be bad though, I'm hoping to throw in a few that pleasantly suprised me. This, however, relies on one of our purchases being unexpectedly good. So far, no luck.